Capricorn - April 2014 - Funny Horoscope

A self-help book, which you bought the last time you thought you needed help, is set to assume a pivotal importance this month. Luckily, you bought the hard back version which will prevent flooding in your bathroom when you shove it in hard to a hole that appears all of a sudden, as per pages 267-274.

A game of touch football will have lasting repercussions on the 16th. Your version of the game will later be renamed 'slap football' and one day is set to become as popular as the Ultimate Fighting Championship in some countries that still allow cock fighting.

An alarm clock which has been trusted for years will start to become inaccurate around the 21st. A rare celestial conjugation between Mercury and Uranus (technically known as a Myanus) will add two hours to your alarm clock waking time and the sleep timer could double in duration for each press. Luckily your boss is the same star sign as you and your tardiness will go unnoticed.


This feature is brought to you by

© 2000 onwards
Other Horoscopes for this month
Mar 20 - Apr 19
Apr 20 - May 19
May 20 - Jun 20
Jun 21 - Jul 21
Jul 22 - Aug 22
Aug 23 - Sept 21
Sept 22 - Oct 22
Oct 23 - Nov 21
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Jan 20 - Feb 17
Feb 18 - Mar 19