26th September 2016
|"Who calls a parrot Donald? That name should be exclusively retained for ducks. As for Hillary Parrot - I would call her Billary. Geddit?" [More]|
|"I had never considered tickling tigers from behind as a method of attack. Well, there's no Don't Try This At Home notice so it must be safe." [More]|
|"Secret service agents on both sides and they let her fall? She can't weight much more than 120 pounds... Trump: flat on his face, I mean he's a big man, OK, but a 120 pound woman? #FAIL #FAIL #FAIL" [More]|
|"Like a low budget straight to youtube Snakenado. And not a cameo from any of the Osbourne family in sight. Everyone's a winner here." [More]|
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)
Jumping up, down and sideways with jugs filled with liquid, especially sticky sugary liquids, are hilariously badly starred this month - ensure someone is videoing you at all times. There is an evens chance you could become a YouTube sensation with a jump on or around the 5th of September.
From a video production standpoint, your stars could not be better. The planetary alignment that Aquarius basks in this month means that filming anything will go over 6% better than usual (Hitchcock never did better than 3.67%).
Cartoons in the newspapers may have a message around the 6th involving a dog out for a walk, or a man in a big flappy cap, or a caveman with long out of control hair, or a cat with an attitude problem. Carefully read these messages from the stars for a solution to a traffic or bathroom based melee. [More]
|"I glanced at my Rolex each time - it shows I am wealthy, taller than average and own a really expensive car." [More]|
|"I was expecting UFO aliens to be short and hairy with a fat belly. My bad." [More]|
|"His hands could get a reality show all of their own if his latest project doesn't work out. #ReleaseYourTaxReturnsTrumpo" [More]|
|"They found THE American Diner in Russia? Can you even be polite in a Russian accent? Especially when there's a reporter there with such awful puns and not enough vodka." [More]|
|"Just don't ask me if her bottom looks big in that because I cannot lie. It looks huuuge. Ginormous even." [More]|
Donald Trump accused the media today of trying to spike his drinks before a major speech in an attempt to make him say things that would undermine his chances of winning in November. [More]
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)
Flipping coins, juggling fruit, and single handed tricks involving the remote control on your television or hifi are set to pepper your leisure time with an element of artistic excitement.
Absentminded doodles with big loops, but not small round loops, are well starred during coffee break or phone calls on the first three Tuesdays of the month. An eager eye might indicate a latent talent for predicting the future, even satire, with your scribbles (look for big eared local politicians to mercilessly lampoon). You might try to find Understanding Doodles For Dummies in the book shops but they haven't written it yet. It is only time until they do.
Jupiter is determined to make your eyebrows grow over 300% quicker than usual. Plucking, shaving and leaving them to fluff out are all equally well starred.
This month your destiny is like a child with a yellow squeaky toy. [More]
|"So, is that five howls out of five, or just one big howl out of five? These dog reviewers confuse me." [More]|
|"It's just like me coming home from work, through the door, stripping down to my underpants in front of the tv. Aaahhhh." [More]|
|"A bottom on the ground twerk? Hmm. That furry kid will go far." [More]|
|"The most likely explanation is that Michelle Obama invented a time machine went forward in time and copied Melania's speech." [More]|
|"Thank heavens kangaroos can't fly." [More]|
|"It's a sad world when this would only make headline news if the squirrel got a gun and shot someone.#KnowWhatImSayin" [ More]|
|"Alex Pettyfer would have made a better looking Elvis, as long as he promises to not take his shirt off. Elvis's body was never that good." [More]|
|"I'm starting a campaign to get Vine videos increased in length from 6 seconds to 7 seconds each. JOIN ME!" [More]|
|"I suppose it's a first step on his new UFC career." [More]|
|"That's not dancing that's jumping with style." [More]|
|"Ten out of ten for purr-severance. Geddit?" [More]|
|"I hope Affleck aims for 'grumpy Adam West' for his Batman interpretation." [More]|
|"Give me a T. Give me a rump. Whaddaya got?" [More]|
|"Oh not another dancing banana and dancing strawberry again." [More]|